Their Pain Is Not Our Pain


It took one month and four days for her to be gone.  It was so fast that we thought there were things that were being hidden from the family.  How?  How does someone find out they have stage 4 Colon Cancer, get better and then is just…gone.

These last two weeks, have been rough. I was going to work everyday to work, but my mind was never really there.  My great aunt; my grandmother’s only sister, was gone.  This little southern woman with the sweetest voice and no matter how old I was, I would always be “Little Brookie”.  I had not seen her in two years but the last year I basically said hello to her everyday — because that is how often she spoke to my grandmother.  Then it slowly became less and less.  She wouldn’t answer the phone and when she did — she was tired.  Now looking back we think she knew long before any of us knew.

[This was something I experienced with my maternal grandmother 21 years ago.  The story the adults tell me is that I knew, I always knew because she was always honest with me.  Which is the reason I handled it so well, death that is.]

My aunt had two ‘babies’ as she called them.  Both in their 30’s with their own family.  The day I found out about her death it broke my heart — I was literally at my work desk crying.  Then I got it together because I knew that there had to be some level headed thoughts going on, if they needed some help or ideas.  I would relay them through my grandmother.  Insurance, the death certificate, the house and many other details.  I knew that my hurt and sadness did not match theirs.

They sat there with her day to day, at doctor’s appointments and even when she died.  I felt beyond painful  for them.  I have been close to physically losing a parent in a rapid unexpected manner through a unforeseen heath issue.  For them, it’s real.  She is gone.

Then I began to think about what this month means for so many Americans and my city in a heavy manner.  It is time to talk about 9/11.  The day that no one will ever forget.  I know that I won’t.  I can remember the entire day.  I lose a classmate — but that classmate lost her parents.  She lost her country.  Born here and her parents were American citizens through immigration.  They died that day.

Pain is a natural emotion.  There are times where it differs even in the same situation.  What needs to happen is support and not a woe is me, or ‘I’m hurting too’ –it’s the pure support of loving one another.  Acknowledging one another.  Remind them that they are loved and appreciated and have people to help hold them up.  Like with my family and like my classmates and I did, think for them a little to alleviate the hurt if possible.  Send all of your love with them.  The day my classmate left, she left with pictures, letters, hugs and some tears but because we loved her.

Your pain should not make you selfish, rather it should make you understanding, sympathetic.

I say all of that because I know that it is going to be a feeding frenzy to use documentaries, tv shows, writings and more in the next few days about 9/11.  It is going to bring up traumatic memories for those whom experienced.  The heartache that came with the attack.  The children, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends and families that are now gone, their deaths are going to be used for readerships, spike in ratings and speeches.  Some for good and some for selfish gain.  I hope that people will be mindful and thoughtful.


[DeMé Mama is about life.  This will forever be a part of mines.]

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