They say history has a way of repeating itself. In my family mostly it is the bad stuff that repeats itself.
One in particular is the children not getting, feeling, understanding or simply being told that they are loved.
That is something that was repeated more than three generations. In my life I have heard I love you, how smart I am and how pretty I am from little kids, strangers and outsiders all of my life. I wasn’t a child told I love you by either of my parents. Because of it, I never got it. I even thought it was normal.
As I got older I realized that there was something wrong with that. I could remember when I was about 13 or 14 years old and telling my grandmother “All I wanted was a mothers love. Since you took me from my mother I have never felt it from you. I don’t know what a mothers love is.” I thought it was going to be thought and emotion provoking for her. Instead she said to me, “Well, I can’t give that to you because I’m not your mother. And I can only love you the way that I am, if that is not enough I can’t help you.” She went back to watching television. That was the end of that. I cried myself to sleep that night.
That made me sad — no angry, for a long time. Then I just told myself I needed to accept that she didn’t love me, most likely was upset that I was here (born) but we both had to move on with life. I was here and she was my grandmother.
Then ten years later, my mother decided that she wanted to have a discussion about how she has never and never tells any of us that she loves us. Which is true. I don’t think she was like that because she didn’t love us. I think her issue is truly her not ever dealing with her life issues prior to us having kids; this includes dealing with her mommy issues.
By the time she chose to have the discussion, I could look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who I was. I was happy with where I was going in my life. The plans, the goals and the steps I was taking to get there.
Loving myself; loving yourself, is stronger than any love any outside can give you. If you are having problems with feeling, getting the love you deserve — look at yourself and see if you are loving yourself first. I guarantee, once you work on your love of self it all will fall by the waist side.